Tomorrow's the Big Day! (But hopefully not TOO big!)

One more sleep, less than 10 hours. Hoping this will be the last procedure.

I'm about to start talking about breast size. Check out now if you can't hang.

You've been warned...

While getting ready for the Fresno Jingle Run 5K on Saturday, an incident with a sports bra sent me into an absolute panic attack.

What if I wake up and the news ones are TOO BIG?

Those of you who have known me for 8-10 years remember when my boobs were bigger than a normal-sized person's head. I spent the majority of my adult life wanting a breast reduction.

Now, having a mastectomy wasn't quite what I had in mind, but that's how life happened and ultimately I certainly got my reduction! I went from having a DDD or H-Cup down to spending the past two years as a negative A-cup.

I was originally supposed to have reconstruction at the time of my mastectomy, but things didn't go quite right and I had to have the tissue expanders removed and halt the reconstruction process. Now two years later, it's finally time to get my new implants.

For tomorrow's procedure, the doctor said she wants to make me look natural, she wants the new breasts to fit the shape of my body and the space that was left after the mastectomy.

She's the expert and I trust her judgement, but in my last appointment she mentioned something about not quite filling a D cup, which took me aback, because I was thinking something along the lines of a nice, round little B. I've enjoyed these past two years of tank tops and spaghetti straps and gap-free button up shirts.

I don't want to have anything sizable on my chest, ever again!

I got to talk to her again today, and she offered me some reassurance, but I'm still a little worried. I had felt pressure, like this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get PERFECT boobs, and what if it doesn't go right?!?! Will I be stuck with big, floppy lumps that I hate??

I have to remember that they're just place holders - something to fill my shirt and make my clothes fit right. I wouldn't even be doing this if the mastectomy/first reconstruction attempt hadn't left me somewhat lopsided. Boobs aren't all that important to me, really. But since I'm doing it, I do want it done right.

I would really like to get this all over with. People have asked if I'm having nipples reconstructed or getting some tattooed on, but all of those things typically happen in later procedures. I don't want any more procedures. I really want to have this one last surgery and call it good.

There is one potential complication that could arise tomorrow. There is a chance that skin flaps that were left after the original attempt at reconstruction won't be large enough to hold the new implants. If that is the case, the doctor will have to place the tissue expanders in again and we'll have to wait while my skin stretches. This would unfortunately mean ANOTHER procedure in 3-4 months.

I've got an hour left before I can't eat or drink anything until surgery. I have to check in at 6AM. NO COFFEE TOMORROW MORNING?!?! That's just not fair. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I really just want this done!

30 Days!

It's ALMOST TIME! Just thirty days until my reconstruction surgery. I was hesitant and nervous for a long time, but now I'm finally getting excited!

Those of you who follow me on Facebook might remember the story of Kansas running in the room, screaming about how Patten had broken her (cheap, Dollar Tree) Barbie Doll. She had pushed in the thin plastic of the doll's boobs, and Barbie suddenly had "innies" on her chest instead of "outies!" 

Kimberly made a bad joke and said, "Hey Susan! It looks just like YOU!" 

While it was harsh, and totally too soon, it was ABSOLUTELY TRUE! This is pretty much what I look like without a shirt!

BUT HEY EVERYBODY!!!! IN THIRTY DAYS I WILL HAVE BOOBS AGAIN!!!!

Uhhhhh.... thanks for that bit of TMI, right? When I first made the decision to be tested for the BRCA mutations that signify an elevated risk of breast cancer, I knew that I had to share my story out loud. 

Most people's knowledge of BRCA is through the story Angelina Jolie told quite publicly. And by telling her story, Angelina raised a ton of awareness about hereditary cancers. 

But I chose to tell my story because I'm NOT a movie star. I'm a mom, a teacher... just an every day girl going through the exact same thing. I decided to share because I wanted others to know that you don't have to be rich and famous to have some control of your body and your health.

According to the Komen foundation, in 2016 there will be an estimated 246,660 new cases of invasive breast cancer in women, and over 40,000 breast cancer related deaths. 

The average woman has about a 13% chance of getting breast cancer in her lifetime. Women with the BRCA gene mutation have up to an 87% chance of getting breast cancer! A simple blood test or mouth swab can empower women with powerful knowledge of these elevated health risks.

Men can also have BRCA mutations. Their risk of breast cancer increases from .1 percent to as much as 8 percent. 

When I found out that I carried a BRCA mutation, I chose to have a bilateral mastectomy. This choice reduced my risk of getting breast cancer from 87% to less than 1%.

Prophylactic surgery may not be the right choice for everyone. A BRCA positive diagnosis can still be empowering because it allows for insurances to cover more frequent mammograms and additional cancer screenings. Early diagnosis is key to surviving breast cancer. 

Both brightpink.org and facingourrisk.org have been tremendous resources for me as I've gone through this journey. Please check them out if you'd like to know more about hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. Also, please don't hesitate to message me if you have questions or would like to learn more about my own journey.  

On hesitations...

I went through an airport full body scanner earlier this week, and it flashed an alert on the screen because it appeared that I had something stuffed in my bra. 

Which I did. 

I whispered to the TSA lady, "I stuff my bra because I had a mastectomy and don't have any boobs!" She giggled a little and gave me a gentle pat down in the area that alerted, then sent me on my way. 

I met with the surgeon last month, and it looks like we're good to go for reconstruction in December. After two years of being boob-less, I am SO ready to stop stuffing my bra!

I do have hesitations. After the complications that happened with first attempt at reconstruction, there is a part of me that thinks I could be content with a life without boobs. 

I shared early on in this process that I never once hesitated in my decision to have the mastectomy. As soon as my mom found out that she carried the BRCA gene mutation, I knew that I wanted to be tested. And at that point I also knew what I would do if my own results came back positive. 

I never hesitated because Cancer is a beast. Giving up my boobs was certainly worth the peace of mind of knowing that breast cancer won't get me! 

I never hesitated because I knew I didn't want to go through the horrors of chemo and radiation. I am so thankful that Mom has made it through her multiple battles with cancer, but I have witnessed first hand how tough it is on a person's body and soul.

I never hesitated because I want to watch my babies become adults and share in their future! 

I never hesitated because I have so much in life I still want to accomplish, and that an 87% chance of getting breast cancer could interfere in those plans. 

But for reasons I don't quite understand, I am hesitant about getting these implants. Do I need even need them? They won't be real, they will never even begin to look real. Why do I feel like I have to do this? 

I am certainly looking forward to shirts and dresses that fit correctly. I am looking forward to not seeing these lopsided, inverted blobs of skin laying on my chest. I am looking forward to having real cleavage again. 

Less than four months. Here we go.

Do you know your risk of Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer? Visit facingourrisk.org to learn more.