The Most Difficult Decisions

In the work I do, I'm frequently asked if I blog.

And I know I should, but every time I start to seriously consider it, I realize that there are already a million other people out there doing exactly what I'm doing, and sharing it in ways that are much more articulate and interesting than I ever could.

I had the same feelings about starting this blog - There are so many people out there who are writing about their BRCA journey in ways that are funny and meaningful and humble... What could I say that hasn't already been said? 

I made the decision to start writing myself though, because I know by using my own voice I can speak to the audience that means the most to me. If even one person I know and care about learns even one tiny piece of information that helps them be more informed of their own risk of cancer, then it will have been worth my time.

So speaking of authors who are way more articulate than myself, I came across this article recently. It's so powerfully well-written and conveys so many emotions that I'm feeling right now.

What No One Tells You About Your BRCA Mutation

But unlike the author, I know I am so fortunate that I am at a place in my life where I'm completely comfortable with saying that I'm not at all interested in bearing any more children. That's not a decision I need to worry about. I struggled so much for my sweet baby P, I have no desire to repeat any of that. I don't envy anyone who has the emotional burden of the extra decisions of whether or not to wait on surgery in order to have a family, or perhaps whether to have biological children at all?

I sometimes wonder how life might have been different if I'd known about the mutation before having P. I have such horrible guilt attached to the fact that she will also have to be fully tested for this mutation some day. She is as likely to have it as me. Would knowing sooner have affected my decisions to have a baby at all? 

And how will this affect P's life and her choices about having a family? I am thankful to be empowered with the knowledge of my elevated cancer risk. I never questioned whether or not I would act on the information I received from my genetic counseling. I have been fully committed to being proactive with my health, that decision was easy. 

But when will be the right time to explain this all to P? I hate to ever burden her innocent heart. Where is the line between protecting her and keeping her out of the dark about her own health? 

These decisions will be the most difficult.