Excuse me, but this isn't quite what I ordered...

So you know the adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say..."

That's where I have been for the past 9+ months since my reconstruction surgery. 

I started this blog to share my BRCA journey with others, to share the non-movie star version of choices related to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.

I wrote in a previous post that despite hesitations, I finally opted to have breast reconstruction after 2 years of having nothing on my chest post-mastectomy, simply because I was tired of stuffing my bra to make shirts fit right. I wanted to be able to wear a bathing suit with confidence. I wanted to not have to explain my inverted chest to anyone. And while I had enjoyed the freedom of the flat chest (wahoooo for spaghetti straps!), I knew it was time to be put back together.

Unfortunately, it didn't turn out as planned. 

I asked for something small. For maybe some nice, full B-cups, and this is what I got:

Immediately after surgery, I knew it was too much. I read about healing and swelling and having patience, but I still just knew, B-cups, these were not! Two months later when I went to buy new bras, the cold hard truth was revealed: 36DDD.

I saw the surgeon to express my disappointment. She told me my options - I could have surgery again to pull the implants out immediately, and then wait 6-9 months to heal before trying again, OR keep them for 6-9 months, and have the entire reconstruction redone in one procedure. 

I opted to keep them, which has only reinforced my opinion that it's just too much. I know plenty of ladies pay $$$$ to have DDDs. People often use words like 'proportionate' to describe what was given to me, but I'm just not happy with them. Shirts are too tight and even simple V-neck or scoop neck tops end up looking sleazy because there is just SO. MUCH. TIT. 

In the end, it's my body and I have to be comfortable in it. And these things are so NOT comfortable. If I had to choose between keeping these DDDs and the post-mastectomy NOTHING, I'd rather go flat. 

Thankfully, I don't have to make that choice, and I get to have a re-do on the reconstruction. This time last year I was so excited about the potential of finally being DONE. The idea of more procedures doesn't excite me, but I am ready to try again.

Third try's the charm?