On hesitations...

I went through an airport full body scanner earlier this week, and it flashed an alert on the screen because it appeared that I had something stuffed in my bra. 

Which I did. 

I whispered to the TSA lady, "I stuff my bra because I had a mastectomy and don't have any boobs!" She giggled a little and gave me a gentle pat down in the area that alerted, then sent me on my way. 

I met with the surgeon last month, and it looks like we're good to go for reconstruction in December. After two years of being boob-less, I am SO ready to stop stuffing my bra!

I do have hesitations. After the complications that happened with first attempt at reconstruction, there is a part of me that thinks I could be content with a life without boobs. 

I shared early on in this process that I never once hesitated in my decision to have the mastectomy. As soon as my mom found out that she carried the BRCA gene mutation, I knew that I wanted to be tested. And at that point I also knew what I would do if my own results came back positive. 

I never hesitated because Cancer is a beast. Giving up my boobs was certainly worth the peace of mind of knowing that breast cancer won't get me! 

I never hesitated because I knew I didn't want to go through the horrors of chemo and radiation. I am so thankful that Mom has made it through her multiple battles with cancer, but I have witnessed first hand how tough it is on a person's body and soul.

I never hesitated because I want to watch my babies become adults and share in their future! 

I never hesitated because I have so much in life I still want to accomplish, and that an 87% chance of getting breast cancer could interfere in those plans. 

But for reasons I don't quite understand, I am hesitant about getting these implants. Do I need even need them? They won't be real, they will never even begin to look real. Why do I feel like I have to do this? 

I am certainly looking forward to shirts and dresses that fit correctly. I am looking forward to not seeing these lopsided, inverted blobs of skin laying on my chest. I am looking forward to having real cleavage again. 

Less than four months. Here we go.

Do you know your risk of Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer? Visit facingourrisk.org to learn more.

We interrupt this break in blogging... for a blog post.

I took a break from blogging because for the next 12-18 months, there won't be a ton to update. But for those who wonder: I am healing. 

There's no physical pain. I have two disfigured lumps of skin that lay on my chest like deflated balloons. They are saggy and lopsided. Patten calls them my 'broken boobies' and sometimes asks when the doctor is going to fix them.

Honestly, I don't know when revisiting reconstruction will be realistic. With a new baby, there's just no good time for me to have a 2 lb lift limit. 

In the meantime, most days I wear a padded strapless bra, mainly because the majority of my work wardrobe requires at least some small boobies in order to lay well. Sometimes I just wear a sports bra with a sock shoved into one side, mainly just to achieve some balance. At home, I usually go braless.

For the most part, it all doesn't phase me too much. Sometimes I look at what is left of my breasts and feel unsexy and unattractive, and like I need to cover them up. But I know in my heart that anyone who ever sees me undressed is someone who loves me, unconditionally, and I need to not worry.

A bright side? (You know, aside from the whole not-getting-cancer bit...) I was shopping at Target recently and reveled in my ability to pick out a sundress with spaghetti straps. Before the mastectomy, I always wore heavy duty bras with wide shoulder straps. Spaghetti straps were never a part of my reality. I may have ugly, disfigured boobies, but I CAN WEAR SPAGHETTI STRAPS!

None of this though, is what inspired me to write today. Rather, it was something I noticed in the bathroom this afternoon.

I was finishing up my business and pulling up my pants when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the bathroom scale. 

I thought, "Where have you been?!!" But then I couldn't remember if the scale had actually ever left. 

I will admit that prior to six or so months ago, I had a very different relationship with that scale. It was a daily stop on my way to the shower. Not that the numbers fluctuated much, and not like I did much with the 'data' I collected each time I stepped on it, but it was routine; Every. Single. Day. Every day I looked down at the number and felt the pressure.

But I guess at some point, I stopped. I don't even know exactly when... maybe late last year? I don't know the last time I weighed myself. 

I wonder why the change? Part of me thinks it has to be tied to BRCA2 and the mastectomy. 

I took control of my body. I am in charge. Society can think what they want of me, but I will not be a slave to societal pressure on what a body 'should' look like. I am not 100% confident, but my priorities have certainly shifted. 

Amazing. Liberating. 

Pressing Pause

So the surgeon was right - just days after removing the tissue expanders and I feel human again. Now I just have some large incisions that are stinging and twitching and burning, but all of the aches and pains have gone away.  I even had those obnoxious mastectomy drains removed! My body feels so free without all of the tubes and extra 'equipment' hanging around. 

We've switched up the antibiotics a couple times to find what will best fend off infection I had developed with the expanders in.  As long as I follow through on treatment, I shouldn't have any more problems with that.  I also have ongoing iron infusions scheduled. I'm looking forward to an overall better health, and I know that it is on its way!

It's still challenging to look in the mirror and look at what's left of me. All I have is a little bit of loose skin, not even enough to fill an A cup. The incision scars are large and unsightly. It sometimes feels disheartening, but then I stop and remember the purpose. I won this battle! Cancer won't get me there! 

Reconstruction will wait. The surgeon says 6-9 months, but realistically I think life will push it to 12-18 months. With baby #3 arriving in the spring, I just don't see it being feasible to be down for too long. I had wanted to get my own stuff over with now, so I wouldn't have any problems snuggling the new baby. We didn't expect to have so many complications. Maybe next winter, or maybe even the summer after that. For now we can focus on getting the anemia under control so my body is strong enough for another series of procedures. I'm really not in a hurry, though. 

Thank you all again for the overwhelming support. We have truly appreciated the thoughts, prayers, messages, meals, childcare, and every other encouraging and supportive act. 

I need to take it easy for the rest of the week, but I fully anticipate being back at work next Monday. Pressing pause on this journey, and moving forward with life.

Flat, flat, flat.

Yesterday was a whirlwind, to say the least.

Kimberly texted an update to the surgeon early in the morning. She told her my fever was gone, and that I had a lot more energy because I'd had the iron infusion. She reported that I still had the stinging and burning on the right boob and also updated with the fact that I was now feeling some of those same symptoms on the left side, as well.

The surgeon didn't seem overly concerned and texted back to go ahead and let me eat. She said that even if I was going to have surgery, it wouldn't be until late in the day because she had a full schedule. 

I had a low key, lazy morning. I enjoyed coffee and a nice visit with a friend and then headed into my appointment. I really had convinced myself that things were getting better and I wasn't going to be having a second operation. The doctor asked how I was feeling, and I was honest... I was feeling less sick, I had more energy, but the pain was awful. The burning and stinging from the drain tubes plus the sensitivity of the infected area were just unbearable.

She said I should feel better by now. She said the infection didn't look too bad, but that didn't mean it wouldn't get worse. She gave me the option to wait it out, or to pull the expanders. She said if we pull the expanders now, I would feel better by Monday.

I have been so weak for too long. Healing has been so slow... too slow.  So we decided that it is time for me to feel better. It was nice that I'd had the option to try and begin immediate reconstruction, but my body clearly wasn't ready. I will spend the next 6-9 months healing from the mastectomy and getting the anemia under control. Then we will revisit reconstruction when my body is stronger.

Part of me feels like I quit and gave up. I wish I could have been strong enough. But I know that the most important thing is that now that the boobs are gone, the risk of breast cancer is nearly gone as well. 

She told me at 2PM that surgery to remove the tissue expanders would be at 7PM, so I went home, took a quick shower, and headed back to the hospital. Since I couldn't eat or drink, I hadn't taken any medication and was really hurting. The nurses were quick and generous with the meds to get me comfortable. 

The procedure was short and we were home by 9:30. After a couple pain pills, I slept well and woke up in less pain and discomfort than I've had in weeks. There is some stinging and burning at the incision site, but the Norco takes care of that pretty well. The old drains are gone, but new ones were placed. She said this set should only have to be in for a couple days. I see her again on Tuesday and am totally looking forward to be rid of these obnoxious little balls of grossness.

My MD has me set up with weekly iron infusions, and I'm taking some supplements to help my body hold on to the iron it gets. The weirdest thing is how FLAT my chest is now! It's almost concave! At least with the tissue expanders, it made it look like I had something there. Now it's just NOTHING. Time to round up some kind of falsies so my clothes will at least fit me right!

I've said it before, but I can't say enough how incredibly thankful for all of the love and support we've gotten throughout this crazy month. The meals, the prayers and well wishes, and the coffee visits... it all means the world to us.  

Here's to hoping that we're now really, truly on the way to recovery.

No!!!

And the bad news keeps rolling in. Yesterday, I developed a new pain. It felt like there was a knife digging into my right shoulder blade. The area around my right drainage tube was swollen and inflamed. The whole area was on fire and stinging and tender to the touch, all new sensations. I felt like I was getting a fever because I had the chills and my skin was aching all over.

Kimber popped into my surgeon's office to show her a picture of the swelling (perk of a spouse who works in a hospital) The doctor said I should be seen right away. Turns out, I have an infection developing. My body still doesn't have enough umph because of the anemia and can't heal itself from the surgery, and so it certainly doesn't have the ability to fight off an infection. 

image from: http://clairesholisticpursuits.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Bandaid.jpg

I got some IV iron, fluid, and also started some antibiotics right away. And more pain pills, thank God. I am at home today but she wanted an update today so Kimberly exchanged some texts with her (another perk of a spouse who works in the hospital). I have to abstain from eating or drinking tomorrow, because if I still haven't improved, I will need to have another surgery tomorrow to remove the tissue expander so that the infection can heal and doesn't get any worse. It won't be as involved of a procedure as the initial mastectomy, but it does mean that the entire reconstruction process will be delayed by 6-9 months. 

All of this trouble... the excessive pain, the slow healing, now the infection - it's all likely because of the anemia. We knew it was a problem going in and tried to take the preventative measures, but the reality is that I probably wasn't ready for surgery. The overall blood numbers improved with the infusions in the weeks leading up to the initial operation, but my body just can't hold on to the iron. I guess I need to eat more beef.

image from: http://stepoutbuffalo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/steak-pic.jpg

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I pictured being down for a couple of weeks and then life getting pretty much back to normal with only the 'no heavy lifting' restriction in place. I didn't realize that three weeks post-op I would still be be stuck in bed and heavily medicated. I didn't realize my body would refuse to heal to the point of now getting infected. I certainly didn't predict that I would still be useless around the house and unable to help with the kids because they are crazy maniacs who jump all over me. 

It's so frustrating. Right now I am on antibiotics and have spent the majority of the day asleep. And now I'm feeling the same burning and stabbing/stinging on the other side, I hope that doesn't mean that the infection is on the other side, too. Praying that the drugs and the rest will be enough to keep me out of surgery tomorrow. 

On Healing.

I spent my day bored and lonely and annoyed that I didn't have any Starbucks, so those are all pretty certain signs that I must be feeling somewhat better in the big, physical picture.

Image from http://www.starbucksdrinks.com. 

The iron infusion helped for a few days, but the anemia is winning and my energy is already leaking away. I need to get with my regular MD and continue working on a long-term solution to this.

(Warning: a little bit of gross medical stuff ahead)

Still eagerly awaiting the removal of these nasty drains. Yesterday morning, I noticed some wetness/leakage at the painful point where one of the drainage tubes are stitched in place to insert my body. Kimber examined it and noticed a clot in the tube so she Googled 'mastectomy drain clots and leakage.' She was able to find out how to break it up and everything started flowing again. God bless the Internet. The whole area is tender and sore, but that is probably because of having to fuss around with it to work the clot out. Having a fluid build-up inside the area around the expander would be bad news, as the surgeon would have to pull it out until that cleared up, which would mean more surgery and put a major delay in overall healing and the reconstruction process. I will have these drains for at least another week. 

Sometimes I just stare in the mirror at what's left of me. The incisions are an ugly, wrinkly mess. The tissue expanders that were inserted at the time of surgery give the appearance that I still have some boob, but they are oddly shaped and are pretty much up inside my armpits. It's just all so wrinkled and dimpled and misshapen and unflattering. I know this is just phase one of a larger process and that in the end, things will have a much more natural appearance, but for now, it all just feels so ugly. 

I felt and expressed my first bits of remorse this morning. Not about having the surgery, but about the timing of it. Pregnant Kimberly is working so hard and she is so tired and having a ton of pain in her back. I hate feeling so dependent on her. She's having to deal with these wild toddlers and trying to keep up on laundry and now going to work again. I feel like such a burden. I know both she and my mom are totally exhausted from taking care of the kids and of me, and I am feeling so worthless to them. I am just not used to being in this position. 

Kimber told me that she knows if I had not done it now, we would have continued to find reason after reason to wait, likely until the kids are all in school, and that would have been be 5-6 years from now. With each passing year, it would have been so much more likely that cancer would be the one to win. I know she is right. If we hadn't have made this a priority, it would have been easy to keep putting it off. 

The lethargy from the anemia, these feelings of worthlessness at home, missing being able to hold my babies and their big, loving hugs, all compounded by my heart aching for the struggles of people I care about... It all has me feeling quite blue. 

So blessed. So loved. I know. I know. 

I just can't shake the sadness. 

Iron? Who knew?

It's amazing what a body can do when it has the fuel it needs. The iron infusion has made a huge difference in my energy. I still have a lot of pain, but I feel better than I have since surgery. 

I am in clothes that are NOT pajamas for the first time since I left the hospital ten days ago. We also left the house! It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand. The muscle relaxers have me totally wobbly and uncoordinated, but whatever, right? But it's time to move forward. Don't worry, I am not pushing it, using a wheelchair, and making my pregnant wife do all of the heavy lifting, lol.

Kimber took me to Supercuts to have my hair washed and rebraided, because full showers will continue to be a challenge as long as I still have these drains.

Oh these drains. 

They are painful and gross and always in the way. And while I know they are necessary, they are AWFUL. They likely won't be coming out for another 10 days or so :( 

---

My darling wife... After my hair was washed, she asked if I wanted to grab something to eat since we were already out. We looked at what was nearby and tossed around a couple ideas. Then she said, "Don't worry honey, I won't take you to Hooters."

Oh, she is so considerate that way.