Excuse me, but this isn't quite what I ordered...

So you know the adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say..."

That's where I have been for the past 9+ months since my reconstruction surgery. 

I started this blog to share my BRCA journey with others, to share the non-movie star version of choices related to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.

I wrote in a previous post that despite hesitations, I finally opted to have breast reconstruction after 2 years of having nothing on my chest post-mastectomy, simply because I was tired of stuffing my bra to make shirts fit right. I wanted to be able to wear a bathing suit with confidence. I wanted to not have to explain my inverted chest to anyone. And while I had enjoyed the freedom of the flat chest (wahoooo for spaghetti straps!), I knew it was time to be put back together.

Unfortunately, it didn't turn out as planned. 

I asked for something small. For maybe some nice, full B-cups, and this is what I got:

Immediately after surgery, I knew it was too much. I read about healing and swelling and having patience, but I still just knew, B-cups, these were not! Two months later when I went to buy new bras, the cold hard truth was revealed: 36DDD.

I saw the surgeon to express my disappointment. She told me my options - I could have surgery again to pull the implants out immediately, and then wait 6-9 months to heal before trying again, OR keep them for 6-9 months, and have the entire reconstruction redone in one procedure. 

I opted to keep them, which has only reinforced my opinion that it's just too much. I know plenty of ladies pay $$$$ to have DDDs. People often use words like 'proportionate' to describe what was given to me, but I'm just not happy with them. Shirts are too tight and even simple V-neck or scoop neck tops end up looking sleazy because there is just SO. MUCH. TIT. 

In the end, it's my body and I have to be comfortable in it. And these things are so NOT comfortable. If I had to choose between keeping these DDDs and the post-mastectomy NOTHING, I'd rather go flat. 

Thankfully, I don't have to make that choice, and I get to have a re-do on the reconstruction. This time last year I was so excited about the potential of finally being DONE. The idea of more procedures doesn't excite me, but I am ready to try again.

Third try's the charm?

Tomorrow's the Big Day! (But hopefully not TOO big!)

One more sleep, less than 10 hours. Hoping this will be the last procedure.

I'm about to start talking about breast size. Check out now if you can't hang.

You've been warned...

While getting ready for the Fresno Jingle Run 5K on Saturday, an incident with a sports bra sent me into an absolute panic attack.

What if I wake up and the news ones are TOO BIG?

Those of you who have known me for 8-10 years remember when my boobs were bigger than a normal-sized person's head. I spent the majority of my adult life wanting a breast reduction.

Now, having a mastectomy wasn't quite what I had in mind, but that's how life happened and ultimately I certainly got my reduction! I went from having a DDD or H-Cup down to spending the past two years as a negative A-cup.

I was originally supposed to have reconstruction at the time of my mastectomy, but things didn't go quite right and I had to have the tissue expanders removed and halt the reconstruction process. Now two years later, it's finally time to get my new implants.

For tomorrow's procedure, the doctor said she wants to make me look natural, she wants the new breasts to fit the shape of my body and the space that was left after the mastectomy.

She's the expert and I trust her judgement, but in my last appointment she mentioned something about not quite filling a D cup, which took me aback, because I was thinking something along the lines of a nice, round little B. I've enjoyed these past two years of tank tops and spaghetti straps and gap-free button up shirts.

I don't want to have anything sizable on my chest, ever again!

I got to talk to her again today, and she offered me some reassurance, but I'm still a little worried. I had felt pressure, like this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get PERFECT boobs, and what if it doesn't go right?!?! Will I be stuck with big, floppy lumps that I hate??

I have to remember that they're just place holders - something to fill my shirt and make my clothes fit right. I wouldn't even be doing this if the mastectomy/first reconstruction attempt hadn't left me somewhat lopsided. Boobs aren't all that important to me, really. But since I'm doing it, I do want it done right.

I would really like to get this all over with. People have asked if I'm having nipples reconstructed or getting some tattooed on, but all of those things typically happen in later procedures. I don't want any more procedures. I really want to have this one last surgery and call it good.

There is one potential complication that could arise tomorrow. There is a chance that skin flaps that were left after the original attempt at reconstruction won't be large enough to hold the new implants. If that is the case, the doctor will have to place the tissue expanders in again and we'll have to wait while my skin stretches. This would unfortunately mean ANOTHER procedure in 3-4 months.

I've got an hour left before I can't eat or drink anything until surgery. I have to check in at 6AM. NO COFFEE TOMORROW MORNING?!?! That's just not fair. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I really just want this done!

30 Days!

It's ALMOST TIME! Just thirty days until my reconstruction surgery. I was hesitant and nervous for a long time, but now I'm finally getting excited!

Those of you who follow me on Facebook might remember the story of Kansas running in the room, screaming about how Patten had broken her (cheap, Dollar Tree) Barbie Doll. She had pushed in the thin plastic of the doll's boobs, and Barbie suddenly had "innies" on her chest instead of "outies!" 

Kimberly made a bad joke and said, "Hey Susan! It looks just like YOU!" 

While it was harsh, and totally too soon, it was ABSOLUTELY TRUE! This is pretty much what I look like without a shirt!

BUT HEY EVERYBODY!!!! IN THIRTY DAYS I WILL HAVE BOOBS AGAIN!!!!

Uhhhhh.... thanks for that bit of TMI, right? When I first made the decision to be tested for the BRCA mutations that signify an elevated risk of breast cancer, I knew that I had to share my story out loud. 

Most people's knowledge of BRCA is through the story Angelina Jolie told quite publicly. And by telling her story, Angelina raised a ton of awareness about hereditary cancers. 

But I chose to tell my story because I'm NOT a movie star. I'm a mom, a teacher... just an every day girl going through the exact same thing. I decided to share because I wanted others to know that you don't have to be rich and famous to have some control of your body and your health.

According to the Komen foundation, in 2016 there will be an estimated 246,660 new cases of invasive breast cancer in women, and over 40,000 breast cancer related deaths. 

The average woman has about a 13% chance of getting breast cancer in her lifetime. Women with the BRCA gene mutation have up to an 87% chance of getting breast cancer! A simple blood test or mouth swab can empower women with powerful knowledge of these elevated health risks.

Men can also have BRCA mutations. Their risk of breast cancer increases from .1 percent to as much as 8 percent. 

When I found out that I carried a BRCA mutation, I chose to have a bilateral mastectomy. This choice reduced my risk of getting breast cancer from 87% to less than 1%.

Prophylactic surgery may not be the right choice for everyone. A BRCA positive diagnosis can still be empowering because it allows for insurances to cover more frequent mammograms and additional cancer screenings. Early diagnosis is key to surviving breast cancer. 

Both brightpink.org and facingourrisk.org have been tremendous resources for me as I've gone through this journey. Please check them out if you'd like to know more about hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. Also, please don't hesitate to message me if you have questions or would like to learn more about my own journey.  

On hesitations...

I went through an airport full body scanner earlier this week, and it flashed an alert on the screen because it appeared that I had something stuffed in my bra. 

Which I did. 

I whispered to the TSA lady, "I stuff my bra because I had a mastectomy and don't have any boobs!" She giggled a little and gave me a gentle pat down in the area that alerted, then sent me on my way. 

I met with the surgeon last month, and it looks like we're good to go for reconstruction in December. After two years of being boob-less, I am SO ready to stop stuffing my bra!

I do have hesitations. After the complications that happened with first attempt at reconstruction, there is a part of me that thinks I could be content with a life without boobs. 

I shared early on in this process that I never once hesitated in my decision to have the mastectomy. As soon as my mom found out that she carried the BRCA gene mutation, I knew that I wanted to be tested. And at that point I also knew what I would do if my own results came back positive. 

I never hesitated because Cancer is a beast. Giving up my boobs was certainly worth the peace of mind of knowing that breast cancer won't get me! 

I never hesitated because I knew I didn't want to go through the horrors of chemo and radiation. I am so thankful that Mom has made it through her multiple battles with cancer, but I have witnessed first hand how tough it is on a person's body and soul.

I never hesitated because I want to watch my babies become adults and share in their future! 

I never hesitated because I have so much in life I still want to accomplish, and that an 87% chance of getting breast cancer could interfere in those plans. 

But for reasons I don't quite understand, I am hesitant about getting these implants. Do I need even need them? They won't be real, they will never even begin to look real. Why do I feel like I have to do this? 

I am certainly looking forward to shirts and dresses that fit correctly. I am looking forward to not seeing these lopsided, inverted blobs of skin laying on my chest. I am looking forward to having real cleavage again. 

Less than four months. Here we go.

Do you know your risk of Hereditary Breast and Ovarian Cancer? Visit facingourrisk.org to learn more.

We interrupt this break in blogging... for a blog post.

I took a break from blogging because for the next 12-18 months, there won't be a ton to update. But for those who wonder: I am healing. 

There's no physical pain. I have two disfigured lumps of skin that lay on my chest like deflated balloons. They are saggy and lopsided. Patten calls them my 'broken boobies' and sometimes asks when the doctor is going to fix them.

Honestly, I don't know when revisiting reconstruction will be realistic. With a new baby, there's just no good time for me to have a 2 lb lift limit. 

In the meantime, most days I wear a padded strapless bra, mainly because the majority of my work wardrobe requires at least some small boobies in order to lay well. Sometimes I just wear a sports bra with a sock shoved into one side, mainly just to achieve some balance. At home, I usually go braless.

For the most part, it all doesn't phase me too much. Sometimes I look at what is left of my breasts and feel unsexy and unattractive, and like I need to cover them up. But I know in my heart that anyone who ever sees me undressed is someone who loves me, unconditionally, and I need to not worry.

A bright side? (You know, aside from the whole not-getting-cancer bit...) I was shopping at Target recently and reveled in my ability to pick out a sundress with spaghetti straps. Before the mastectomy, I always wore heavy duty bras with wide shoulder straps. Spaghetti straps were never a part of my reality. I may have ugly, disfigured boobies, but I CAN WEAR SPAGHETTI STRAPS!

None of this though, is what inspired me to write today. Rather, it was something I noticed in the bathroom this afternoon.

I was finishing up my business and pulling up my pants when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the bathroom scale. 

I thought, "Where have you been?!!" But then I couldn't remember if the scale had actually ever left. 

I will admit that prior to six or so months ago, I had a very different relationship with that scale. It was a daily stop on my way to the shower. Not that the numbers fluctuated much, and not like I did much with the 'data' I collected each time I stepped on it, but it was routine; Every. Single. Day. Every day I looked down at the number and felt the pressure.

But I guess at some point, I stopped. I don't even know exactly when... maybe late last year? I don't know the last time I weighed myself. 

I wonder why the change? Part of me thinks it has to be tied to BRCA2 and the mastectomy. 

I took control of my body. I am in charge. Society can think what they want of me, but I will not be a slave to societal pressure on what a body 'should' look like. I am not 100% confident, but my priorities have certainly shifted. 

Amazing. Liberating. 

Pressing Pause

So the surgeon was right - just days after removing the tissue expanders and I feel human again. Now I just have some large incisions that are stinging and twitching and burning, but all of the aches and pains have gone away.  I even had those obnoxious mastectomy drains removed! My body feels so free without all of the tubes and extra 'equipment' hanging around. 

We've switched up the antibiotics a couple times to find what will best fend off infection I had developed with the expanders in.  As long as I follow through on treatment, I shouldn't have any more problems with that.  I also have ongoing iron infusions scheduled. I'm looking forward to an overall better health, and I know that it is on its way!

It's still challenging to look in the mirror and look at what's left of me. All I have is a little bit of loose skin, not even enough to fill an A cup. The incision scars are large and unsightly. It sometimes feels disheartening, but then I stop and remember the purpose. I won this battle! Cancer won't get me there! 

Reconstruction will wait. The surgeon says 6-9 months, but realistically I think life will push it to 12-18 months. With baby #3 arriving in the spring, I just don't see it being feasible to be down for too long. I had wanted to get my own stuff over with now, so I wouldn't have any problems snuggling the new baby. We didn't expect to have so many complications. Maybe next winter, or maybe even the summer after that. For now we can focus on getting the anemia under control so my body is strong enough for another series of procedures. I'm really not in a hurry, though. 

Thank you all again for the overwhelming support. We have truly appreciated the thoughts, prayers, messages, meals, childcare, and every other encouraging and supportive act. 

I need to take it easy for the rest of the week, but I fully anticipate being back at work next Monday. Pressing pause on this journey, and moving forward with life.

Flat, flat, flat.

Yesterday was a whirlwind, to say the least.

Kimberly texted an update to the surgeon early in the morning. She told her my fever was gone, and that I had a lot more energy because I'd had the iron infusion. She reported that I still had the stinging and burning on the right boob and also updated with the fact that I was now feeling some of those same symptoms on the left side, as well.

The surgeon didn't seem overly concerned and texted back to go ahead and let me eat. She said that even if I was going to have surgery, it wouldn't be until late in the day because she had a full schedule. 

I had a low key, lazy morning. I enjoyed coffee and a nice visit with a friend and then headed into my appointment. I really had convinced myself that things were getting better and I wasn't going to be having a second operation. The doctor asked how I was feeling, and I was honest... I was feeling less sick, I had more energy, but the pain was awful. The burning and stinging from the drain tubes plus the sensitivity of the infected area were just unbearable.

She said I should feel better by now. She said the infection didn't look too bad, but that didn't mean it wouldn't get worse. She gave me the option to wait it out, or to pull the expanders. She said if we pull the expanders now, I would feel better by Monday.

I have been so weak for too long. Healing has been so slow... too slow.  So we decided that it is time for me to feel better. It was nice that I'd had the option to try and begin immediate reconstruction, but my body clearly wasn't ready. I will spend the next 6-9 months healing from the mastectomy and getting the anemia under control. Then we will revisit reconstruction when my body is stronger.

Part of me feels like I quit and gave up. I wish I could have been strong enough. But I know that the most important thing is that now that the boobs are gone, the risk of breast cancer is nearly gone as well. 

She told me at 2PM that surgery to remove the tissue expanders would be at 7PM, so I went home, took a quick shower, and headed back to the hospital. Since I couldn't eat or drink, I hadn't taken any medication and was really hurting. The nurses were quick and generous with the meds to get me comfortable. 

The procedure was short and we were home by 9:30. After a couple pain pills, I slept well and woke up in less pain and discomfort than I've had in weeks. There is some stinging and burning at the incision site, but the Norco takes care of that pretty well. The old drains are gone, but new ones were placed. She said this set should only have to be in for a couple days. I see her again on Tuesday and am totally looking forward to be rid of these obnoxious little balls of grossness.

My MD has me set up with weekly iron infusions, and I'm taking some supplements to help my body hold on to the iron it gets. The weirdest thing is how FLAT my chest is now! It's almost concave! At least with the tissue expanders, it made it look like I had something there. Now it's just NOTHING. Time to round up some kind of falsies so my clothes will at least fit me right!

I've said it before, but I can't say enough how incredibly thankful for all of the love and support we've gotten throughout this crazy month. The meals, the prayers and well wishes, and the coffee visits... it all means the world to us.  

Here's to hoping that we're now really, truly on the way to recovery.